A Week...

The honeymoon isn't over but the official vacation following the wedding is, er, it was on Monday.

My husband and my daughter and I went to a rather large and out of state role-playing and gaming convention last week.  This was to serve as our one big summer trip (rather than a theme park or camping out) and as our official "honeymoon" vacation.  Hint:  Ohio is not an extremely exotic location for a honeymoon, but staying in a hotel with two beds and 8 total people can make it so.

We had a good time, some of us might even say we had a blast.  Others of us (namely me) were somewhat disappointed by the loss of our first and second choice options as far as the gaming went.  Quickly choosing third options, I attended one average game far too early in the morning for me to be truly alert and followed that up by meeting a game master with no other players to show up the next morning.  He was very nice and helped me get a refund on that game ticket.  Yes, at this con (and at many others like it) I not only paid for my drive there, the hotel and its parking fees, the entry fee to the con (which because of my membership in a particular club, I got at half-price), I also had to pay for each game I wanted to be guaranteed entry to... thus the game tickets that are paid for in advance.  I'd also (rather wisely I thought at the time) bought a few dollars worth of generic tokens; this means that I can walk up to a game at the beginning, check with the game master if they still have room and will allow me to join in and get a seat if they are not already full.  When a person gains unused generic tokens from her two family members during the con because they are simply too busy to utilize them, what does she do with them?  She turns them in for cash!  Of course, I did not get to preregister on-line like originally planned because the husband and I (and most of the con goers it seems) assumed that the time for preregistering would last longer than a week (maybe it was literally two weeks, but I blew one getting the info from the computer on how to choose my game preferences).

There I was, bored and feeling kind of lonely with my husband in one room and my daughter in another, both much busier than me, gaming at a con to which I was a stranger in a strange city.  I tried the hucksters' room several times, I checked out the movie viewing room, I played a game or two of some tabletop stuff that I would never pay to play "in real life", as if my generic tokens weren't really made of money.  I did not get aggressive and go hunting other games' game masters and shove generic tokens in their faces until someone let me into their nearly full or overly full games.  I took a mystery novel and a bookmark to the food court or to the different quiet gaming rooms and absorbed the weirdness that is a gamer con.  I'd also come armed with some card games, just in case I wanted to set up an impromptu game in a hallway.  When I saw that all three of the games I'd brought were being offered in the tabletop game room for tokens or tickets, I felt kind of funny about offering to run them for free... it didn't seem fair somehow.  Then I started thinking that I might not know all of the rules and didn't want to embarrass myself in front of the possible players.

Now ask me what I will do to embarrass myself in front of others...

I did sign up for and attend all four nights of a LARP during the con.  There was a fifth night offered (that city's regular game) immediately after the con officially shut down, but we were leaving (and exhausted) that night so I didn't go - hadn't expected to.  I did enjoy those LARPs and loved meeting all of the people, both in and out of character.  Some of the outfits worn were just gorgeous and some served their characters very well - the ladies looked like ladies and the gentlemen looked like gentlemen, and the ruffians looked like... well, gorillas (you know who you are - "snort, snort").  During those nights, I ended up playing one character for a single night only (Friday) and another character all those other nights (Wednesday, Thursday, Saturday).  They both got some things accomplished (not all of them expected, had some surprises there), and enjoyed themselves for the most part.  Both have taken away some new tidbits of information or gained a new contact or something helpful.  All in all, a very profitable experience for them both (and for me).  That basically saved my whole con experience.  I even forgot all about the possible costume contest (heroes and villains, I think) and probably would have enjoyed seeing that, but missed out on it for whatever reason (probably a time conflict).

All of that explanation means that costumes were involved with my characters.  My Ventrue wore similar suits for two evenings and then a glorious golden gown with royal blue sash on the formal night.  Abi always involves heavy eye makeup and certain identifiable jewelry, usually silver or gold, rather rich looking and suffused with precious stones.  My Malkavian on the other hand is an unassuming friendly little thing that was visiting on the artists' night when everything went to hell in a hand basket.  She came rather nicely dressed (for her) in a long green dress and minimal jewelry; all mixed costume beads and plastics, precious metals and gems, flowery pink touches everywhere (keeps the demons away, don'cha know), her ever present butterflies and her gigantic pink bag (with more butterflies and flowers), hair done in a ponytail tilted to one side with crystals wrapped around it.  Yes, that's Lucy - and on a good night for her, a pleasant mood, no screaming (at least not until the rats showed up and ate the Justicar) to distract her.

I get totally into character as I am dressing the part - hair and makeup, dress and jewelry are all a large part of putting the character "on" for me.  So there I was, strutting around like a confident and elitist business woman or dancing about in unsure circles on where to go next as my crazy and loving ing'enue.  That's what I do to embarrass myself in front of others, and on purpose!

As the three of us (real life husband, daughter & self) were finally leaving the con and hotel, I requested that we sit down in a real restaurant to eat dinner together.  It didn't matter what kind of restaurant really, so long as we had time together to reminisce and sit back to ourselves.  Cracker Barrel never looked so good, but we still wish our favorite fish dish were back on the menu (yes, all three of us had a single favorite dish that we would habitually order at the same time, varying the sides and drinks).

We never got all the way through the book on CD that Dan selected for the car ride... he had to finish the story from the book he had at home so that I could return the CDs to the public library.  I still have to unpack the last of my things tomorrow.  It happens to be the Fourth of July tomorrow - thus I am off from work as is the husband.  Of course it is summer, so my daughter doesn't have to worry about her weekday schedule much until late August.  I hope it takes a break from raining long enough to appreciate the outdoors a little.  We haven't even planned what to cook for our meals at all... hope we don't go hungry!

Happy Independence Day, America.

I still love our Brit, Welsh, Scot and Irish friends, btw.

Time... it's gettin' away!

So the little girl is suddenly 13.  Hmm... not sure how to feel about that.  I'm certainly proud of her and want her to grow into the woman that she CAN be... I just don't know who it is that she wants to be.

Sometimes she hates me - that's natural for teenagers.  And sometimes I am her best friend - but I shouldn't be.  That's a job for one of her peers, not her mom.  Yet I love her and like her (cause she's interesting and brilliant and creative and kind but sarcastic so it's not a gooey, sticky-sweet kind of "kind" - more like a "zing from across the table" kind because you know she only teases those that she likes.  Why waste intellectual energies on someone you don't even care for?) and want only good things for her.  If I can make her happy and it merely takes my presence and some time, by gosh, I can do that!

She's been creating these fabulous fan-fics on Halo characters and has some in the works for her favorite JLA characters next... she is SO cool!  We spent the evening at the art museum, discussing what "art" is (and isn't), what "craftsmanship" is, and what crap is.  We had a lovely time, pointing and going "hey, look at that!" and leaning (far too) close to the cases to absorb the details and reading the description plates.  We walked leisurely through the shop, testing the toys and flipping through the posters, looking at the beautiful books and stationary, joking about some of the very expensive jewelry that looked like a first grader made it.  In shorter terms, we had a ball.  I especially appreciated her enthusiasm for the arms and armor section in the medieval rooms.  - Never saw her crane her neck that way in front of a porcelain vase or a watercolor.  Heh.  My little girl.

Hm.  Let's take that term and break it down.  If someone referred to me as their "little girl", I'd think they were stupid.  I am neither little nor a girl any longer.  Mul has the right (by biased preference) to call me his girl or "the" girl in his life, but that's more like a "grrl" reference.  Like in Gamer Grrl.  My daughter, being thirteen years old now, is not exactly little anymore.  She's nearly adult - give or take a few legal years.  This is the point of her serious woman-training.  Now is the time that she becomes prepared for sanity-rending heartbreak, disappointment in the truth, learns that neither of her parents (nor anyone else she admires and believes in) is either perfect or immortal, AND deals with the most awkward physical phase of her life.  Sheesh!  Wouldn't any one of these things be enough to bring a good person down?

I love my daughter.  I wouldn't want anything to harm her.  That's why I have to let her get hurt once in a while by the natural stages of life that won't permanently impair her.  No, I don't want her to be involved in a nasty car accident and Yes, I would avoid the situation completely if I could help it.  But that is not up to me.  If a car accident is in the works for her, I want her to be confident in her abilities, cool-headed enough to deal with a crisis, thoughtful about other people and creatures to care for their welfare, and aware in situations that can result in damage so that she can come to decisions (on her own) that result in less strife that if she had chosen some other direction.  She's a very bright kid (and I use that term endearingly) and I hope she chooses wisely in all things - but that's not going to happen.  Using another example:  I don't want her love life to be messy - wouldn't we all be happier finding the perfect person in high school and marrying them after college to endure 75 years of wedded bliss?  (Too perfect, I know, it can't happen.)  Most people don't get it right in their first serious relationship.  So I will bite my tongue and hold my breath and beat my head against the walls to not say the exactly wrong things as she moves from whatever relationship she did have for a while to the next one, no matter how much one seemed better over another to me.  (Ugh, I'm going to eat those words later, aren't I?)

I fell in love a couple of times - at least I thought I had.  Decisions are made for lots of reasons, and sometimes for no good reason at all.  The first time I thought of myself as loving a man, he was heroically masculine, protective, mysterious, full of laughter, a great lover and kind of boyish when alone and allowing himself to seem vulnerable.  Nice mix, huh?  It took a long time to see that he was this way with all women - not that he flirted around or cheated on me.  He simply had that persona "on" all the time.  When he was with "the guys" he was drunk or high, too talkative about personal things, ready for a fight (physically); in short - a wound-up misogynist waiting for a trigger to be pulled.  I left him (or he left me) because I didn't want the lies (no matter how attractive) and I didn't want him the way he really was.  I wanted him as he seemed (or had seemed to be) - all virtuous and manly and concerned about honor.  Ah well... a friend of mine got him - then divorced him to marry his former best friend.  Not what I would have wished for anybody much less this man I had once admired.  He wasn't a bad guy, don't get me wrong.  He just set himself up so high in his own standards that he couldn't compete with his image once he came back to earth with his buddies.

The next time I wondered if I was in love it took a long time to admit it.  You see, he and I had years together... dating and seeing each other through college... me healing from my previous relationship and him being doormat enough to care for my selfish feelings - letting me dictate when we could see each other and what we were allowed to do.  I know he loved me or he wouldn't have respected me so much as to allow that to happen.  I was awful to him, I just didn't recognize it at the time.  Then, we had a baby - oops.  Yes, that would be the precious thirteen-year-old.  We waited several years to make sure that we were not marrying simply for the "sake of the baby" or succumbing to our parents' pressure.  Then, once we were married, we seemed happy for a year (maybe more).

In that second year though... I don't know what happened and when.  If I wanted to bring up what I thought was an important subject, he could veto it, choosing NOT to talk about it because we couldn't agree on what was important (like money issues, vacation as a family, his satisfaction or lack thereof at his job, health problems, the relationship between him and his daughter).  At least we agreed that his relationship with his daughter WAS one of the important subjects and he worked on that diligently.  Because their relationship is so improved, I wonder if my relationship with her has suffered.  But I digress.  During this unpleasant time, I found myself falling in like and then in love with Mul.  A frightening prospect - me, tempted to see this man who was not my husband.  We were only together in social situations as first, surrounded by other friends.  Then our discussions became more about our lives and wishes, art and pleasantries than just our common hobby.

It took me many months to find my lopped off head much less screw it back on.  Between giving up my marriage and increasing the time between me and the "other man", I was going crazy.  I tried talking to a lot of friends and family members, not the least of which had been my spouse.  But his answer was a very distracted one, fed by his insecurities about his parents' marriage.  So there I was, condemned by all (including myself) and yet blissfully happy in Mul's presence.  It wasn't a fair situation for anybody, especially my spouse.  He tried (just the once) to ask if there was any repairing our relationship/marriage.  I told him that it would be too little and too late.  Perhaps that was cruel of me, but BY GOD I meant it.  I had attempted to engage him so many times over those six months or more to talk to me, get counseling with me, let me go to counseling without him if he insisted, whatever could help us.  That's what I ended up doing... going to counseling for myself, hoping to make any sense of my feelings and my intentions.  Why did I want to leave my husband?  I didn't really - I just wanted him to act, talk and be different.  That's hardly fair for a decent guy to answer to... he never faked anything for me.  He simply wanted certain things less than I did and felt that his answers were the best ones (if not the only ones).

Now Mul... there's a mensch!  None of these men were poor picks on my part.  They were all attractive, intelligent, creative, manly (in their own ways), and giving (to a certain point).  But Mul is my soul mate... at least he has been since I met him.  Six years, nearly... we're getting married in May.  I'm extremely nervous about it.  I'm terrified that he's making a big mistake.  I'm hoping that I am not sabotaging his life by chaining him down.  I want to be a woman who deserves his thoughtfulness, kindnesses, attention, efforts to make me laugh, his touch... I could definitely go on.  I just don't know if I am familiar enough with that woman well enough to become her.

Thus my comment on who my daughter will one day want to be - what kind of a woman she will become.  How do any of us know how to grow up?  What class is taught or lesson learned that teaches us who we will be?  Am I now an honest person?  Not completely - not all the time... but I would like to be.  Am I virtuous and classy and kind and thoughtful?  No, not necessarily.  My porn preference fights the debate against virtue and class very nicely, and I prefer to be selfish and self-absorbed... it takes a lot less effort than thinking about what other people want or are affected by.  Do I deserve Mul?  No.  That's the easy answer.  Why not?  Much harder.

I love him, that's all I know.